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I don't understand

by zx85

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1.
Stay here 03:25
Palms down, fingers flat on the button scuffed counter Sat elbow to familiar elbow, stares the middle distance down to The cold end of the long office - only way out only way in. Calling the next one over keeps the distant mind from straying And he thinks "I don't know how to put this in a way you'll understand But I don't really want to be here Given the alternatives, on the other hand I guess it makes sense to stay here I guess it makes sense to stay here." Tatty trainers, jacket torn, still exuding frozen breeze that lingers Leaning against the standing aches, into pockets with grubby fingers Glancing through the long office - only way out; only way in Presenting shabby words, head down but clear the eyes are saying "I don't know how to put this in a way you'll understand But I don't really want to be here. Given the alternatives, on the other hand I guess it makes sense to stay here I guess it makes sense to stay here." Stares through steamed up windows, our rings glisten damp and red The distant unsettled glow, though his mobile's nearly dead He's saying "I don't know how to put this in a way you'll understand But I don't really want to be here. Given the alternatives on the other hand I guess it makes sense to stay here I guess it makes sense to stay here." I don't know how to put this in a way you'll understand But I don't really want to be here. Given the alternatives on the other hand I guess it makes sense to stay here I guess it makes sense to stay here.
2.
Crosslegged in yellow sunshine glow, ear pressed to the speaker His laser love affair with Monique and Veronica QSO and QSL - quiet and rarely clear Did they get the postcard - he knows he'll have to wait to hear Chorus Do I know him? Seems quite familiar I don't know we might have met I'll take another look and then I'll tell you Sometimes it's easy to forget New into work and new in town, one rented room to another Refining his ineptitude, in trying to find a lover All he has is all he needs - puts the parts together Doesn't feel the winds of change; won't be like this forever Chorus 13 Step by step through a life 23 Just footprints left behind 33 Washed away, or beaten path 43 He pays no mind. He pays no mind Wife and kids at home as he's consumed by work successes Commutes the rollercoaster ride - the capital's excesses Such reward and rush but is it the best it could ever be? How long can he ride this wave - he'll have to wait to see Chorus He sits and tries to write a song - he's struggling to think Introspection isn't fun - he pours another drink So hard to make out more than shapes in the dim light of the past So he'll stick to the here and now and try to make it last
3.
Do I dare 02:36
Do I dare, try to piece together So much left unspoken, so much left undone Do I dare, tell myself the stories Make my own connections where there may be none? Do I dare keep myself awake Let my heart ask questions and let my mind run? When I look back, will I have clarity Will I account for these living days of purgatory? Do I dare look you in the eye Ask for reassurance in the reasons I've found Do I dare try to be demanding Lead the way to understanding of how it could sound Do I dare risk the disappointment My fragile world constructed and let you tear it down? When I look back, will there be regret Or courage to catch lightning that hasn't struck me yet? Do I dare tell you how I'm feeling Would it be too revealing of the secrets I tell? Do I dare keep it to myself - corrode my mental health And stay on the carousel? Or do I dare let go of the thread Relinquish all the dread and walk out of hell? Do I dare take the counsel of a friend Leave the film before the end Quit the travelling show? Do I dare do the best for me Let it rest and let it be And I'll never know. Do I dare never to know?
4.
mamil 02:56
I am riding on my bike in the English countryside There is no better time to go out for a ride Than when the day is fresh and I'm up for some cycling action So I'm cycling in the sun through this green and pleasant land There'll be no deviation from the route that I've planned Head down so I don't succumb to natural distraction I'm just doing what any mamil would do In my tight pants and dayglo vest Catching all the glances at my rock hard thighs Can't help but think that I'm the best I'll always take great pains to lubricate my chain Set up my machine for wind snow or rain In the garage preparing for all eventualities The catalogue that came afforded me a lighter frame Why would I give any of my bicycles a name? Cycling is serious - it's a sport not a leisure activity I'm just doing what any mamil would do In my tight pants and dayglo vest Happy to put aside all of my family ties In hot pursuit of my personal best I like to ride my bicycle The lycra on my back I love to take my bicycle To workshop road and track Churning through the middle of the horizontal drizzle I'm competing so the weather matters very little The important thing is to try to get and stay ahead Addicted or a nutter am I the former or the latter I don't need friends and my family don't matter Can't face the disappointment if I lose, I may as well be dead. I'm just doing what any mamil would do In my tight pants and dayglo vest It's more than aerobic exercise It's about getting there faster than the rest Oblivious of what my life denies People maybe saying I'm obsessed. I'm just doing what any mamil would do In my tight pants and dayglo vest
5.
Word games, word games,word games You're playing word games, word games,word games It's like a verbal overload anywhere I care to go From TV disclaimers to the fast cut video Subtext media in its social portrollio Like Banksy scrawling on the walls of Jericho Would it matter if I knew what you were trying to say Would it matter if it didn't matter anyway I get a sense that you didn't think this yesterday It makes no sense when I just get led astray by Wordgames, wordgames, wordgames Enter the corporate system without parental guidance I got an open plan that's tantamount to violence Listening to lying flow without a license No pause button on my phone to enjoy the silence Catching the coffee train in and out of every meeting I'd drink the coolaid, but it doesn't go with what I'm eating They're double word scoring anything that bears repeating I'd like to play, but I think it would be self-defeating Wordgames, wordgames, wordgames Truth dares on hamster wheels spinning for hours For well-fed representatitives in salivory towers Come the election they're all hearts and flowers But part exchanging promises for policies and powers? On location entourage to avoid undue alienation Face down critics with some desultry interpretation Untested by questions from a member of the publication Suits and ties, they're what lies in your manipulation Wordgames, wordgames, wordgames This product recall's getting written about everywhere Engage damage limitation - they'll be right there Media savant with the shiny teeth and shiny hair Years of PR exercising is brought to bear They're armed with responses - it's their autonomic weaponry Stonewall the interviewers - pull them apart semantically Scatter the experts discredit them pedantically If all else fails, just back pedal frantically You're playing wordgames, wordgames, wordgames
6.
Most days she tried not to think about it Certainly she didn't want to kick up a stink about it Stretched within the past present and future tension All of time was beyond her comprehension Looking down at her from every wall Sometimes it didn't seem to change at all Wore it like a handcuff on her wrist Counting up the appointments that she missed Went too fast when she wasn't aware Went too slow when she was Grabbing just a second here and there When she asked why, time just said "because" She longed for her own six minutes of sunshine She longed to believe that it would happen - sometime Maybe it was too much to ask Far more than just a trivial task She wanted to get into less of a state Worrying about if she was early or late It would be better if she couldn't be rushed So she could take the time to adjust Went too fast when she wasn't aware Went too slow when she was Grabbing just a millisecond here and there When she asked why, time just said ... Don't you think It's about time she did something about it? Don't you think it's about time? Went too fast when she wasn't aware Went too slow when she was Grabbing just a microsecond here and there When she asked why, time just said "because" Went too fast when she wasn't aware Went too slow when she was Grabbing just a nanosecond just here and there When she asked why, time just said "because"
7.
Hot mess 03:03
I really don't know what to call it Not sure what it's all about I didn't take the subscription But it was free when it first came out The manifestation of forever The lustrum is quite enough Misunderstandable missive To make me an example of I'd go to my local library, but my local library's closed That's just a sign of the times, I suppose That's just a sign of the times, I guess To me it looks more like A hot mess. We need to know what's getting them down The private army of the ward The pungency of g-forces Never knowingly underscored Commemorated in the granite The dust gathers on the plaque Reassembling of the masses The precious few are turning back Self-administered CPR as a reward for bravery That's just a sign of the times, maybe That's just a sign of the times, I guess To me it looks more like A hot mess. Tell the table Tell the door Tell the door Tell the seagulls Tell the seagulls They ought to name a storm after you Spilling stones and tearing down wires There's drivers in the debris Washed away like rust and petty liars If life is in the essence, I'll order it to go That's just a sign of the times, I know That's just a sign of the times, I guess To me it looks more like A hot mess.
8.
I never chose this life, but no-one lives it like me I could oppose this life but this is how it seems it's got to be I can never be alone - you're always watching me No corner left to hide - I can't avoid your scrutiny I don't wanna perform for you A plaything for your observation My existence doesn't seem real I'm just a simulation I never chose to be last of those who came before me But I'm supposed to be all that you expect of me I can never be myself - you're always guiding me Governing my every move, listing all I have to prove. I don't wanna be controlled by you A plaything for your recreation My existence doesn't seem real I'm just a simulation Choose my words and choose my clothes Like a diamond over me Choose my needs and choose my roles Who am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be? I don't wanna be controlled by you A plaything for your recreation My existence doesn't seem real I'm just a simulation I don't wanna perform for you A plaything for your observation My existence doesn't seem real I'm just a simulation Just a simulation Just a simulation
9.
Play a song that you know so well Let the melody flow from your fingers Every note caressing the air Sharing the world with players and singers They say dance like nobody's watching I say play like the music is yours You say nothing and yet you say everything Expressed in such exquisite scores I'm not asking you for to love me Because you tell me that you do But to love - to love the music The music in you. The still air is devoid of excitement The silence longs for a tuneful embrace It's so hard to emerge from the chrysalis Summon a song in the wide open space They say dance like nobody's watching I say play like the music is yours You say nothing and yet you say everything Expressed in such exquisite scores
10.
If we can 04:09
This is the end - this is the parting shot The countdown has begun. No weather cancellation, no crowd in expectation. No delay in childish fractions, o chance for remedial action. This is the last - this is the legacy To see what we've become. For what we took for granted; they never could have lasted. For what we leave behind - to whom the blame's assigned. But we can smile, if we want to. If we can. But we can try to fill our senses one more time. One more time. There's nothing more - the box is empty Cut its losses and run. Do we stand and remonstrate? Did we just arrive too late? Repeat the question so bereft - we can see what we have left And now it's over - the final second Of what we might have done. Do we wish or reminisce for what and who we'll miss Or face up to it now, hope that we can cope somehow. Or we can smile if we want to, if we can. Yeah we can try to fill our senses one more time. One more time. Cos we can smile if we want to, if we can. Yeah we can try to fill our senses one more time. One more time

about

Entirely written, recorded and produced during February 2016 for the RPM Challenge.

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released March 3, 2016

All tracks written, recorded and produced by zx85
Additionally:
Cello on "Do I Dare" by Fiona Bellamy
Viola on "mamil" by Eleanor Hart
Synth arrangement on "Wordgames" by Cakefolder
Shouting on "Hot mess" by my family
Vocals on "Just a simulation" by Eleanor Hart

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zx85 Luton, UK

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